“What is that smell?” My six year old son asked. He was smelling the surface of the table in our homeschool room while we were trying to read our devotions.
Of course this led to each one of the boys taking turns coming by that spot of the table and getting a whiff of the strange, stinky smell that Charlie first noticed.
“Ok, let’s focus back on our reading,” I told them after they each wrinkled their noses at whatever the smell was. As they read, I went and got our all purpose spray and a paper towel to clean the spot on the table not wanting to test it myself.
“‘Mom, I don’t like how that smells either,” my sensitive-nosed Charlie informed me of the spray. With a shrug I tried to get back to where we all left off.
After finishing our reading and putting out our candles (we have a really cool snuffer that we use to put out our candle flames), Charlie complained that he could still smell the awful smell. His oldest brother was by him and sniffed, ‘It’s you Charlie! It’s…” he leaned in toward Charlie’s head, “…it’s your hair!”
Both the brothers smelled it and scrunched their faces, “Ew! It’s something funky in your hair!” Charlie was only able to feel it and had me check it out. As I leaned over to check out the smell for myself I realized what it was.
“Your hair is singed!” I said to him. “You must have leaned over your candle too closely and now your hair is burnt. That’s the funny smell!”
We then noticed the little pieces of hair from his front bangs fallen around his face and shirt. “Time to go shower and rub shampoo on it, buddy,” I told him. “That should take care of the smell.” It did help, but we had to add some good smelling oily hair product to it to help get the last of the burn smell away.
Have you felt the fire lately? As we all know and have witnessed, there are little fires everywhere. Have you seen the way people talk to each other on social media? Have you been burned by a co-workers harsh words? How about a promise forgotten? Did someone betray your trust? Did you get backed into a corner? Perhaps the people you love the most let you down.
When we experience the burn in our lives what happens? Sometimes, like Charlie’s hair, we notice the smell. Something just stinks. It’s odd and leaves us unsettled. We also feel a sting when we get right into the heat of it. And most often the sting or stink doesn’t go away for a while. It leaves behind a lasting stench or blister that annoys and distracts us for a time.
In my household we very rarely intentionally hurt each other. But we are often frustrated with one another. I can feel burned by my husband for a harsh look or even the lack of a look. He can feel burned by me when I leave the house a mess after he’s had a long day of work. Sometimes our kids burn us when they roll their eyes at a legitimate concern of ours. Sometimes the burn is big and sometimes they are just a series of little burns that build up.
Let me ask you this. When you are in the midst of these times, do you recognize the battle? Are you able to peer through all the smoke and see the enemy for who they really are?
“In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.” (Ephesians 6:16)
Do you recognize the depth of the fight? This battle is deeper than the person in front of us or behind a screen. It’s spiritual. The verse above is taken from the text in Ephesians that tells us what it means to put on the whole armor of God. Why do we need a full suit of armor?
Because even when we aren’t expecting it, the tiniest flames fester and can cause us pain. Because if we don’t take the precautions to put out the flaming arrows, big or small, they will eventually destroy us and those around us. In this metaphor we are to make FAITH our shield. Believing in and trusting God is a shield against the hurt that Satan seeks to inflict.
In Proverbs chapter 3 it says, “Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart.” It’s an inner shield! The heart must be bound up with love and faith. Read on and we learn not only does this help us find favor with others, but we are directed to the ultimate trustworthy one, our Creator.
Friends, when you find your hair is singed, the air stinks, and blisters emerge;
Don’t give in to the burn.
Don’t let it close you off.
Don’t go and burn someone else’s hair.
Rather, cover that heart shield with a dousing of faith and love. Shampoo away the stink and forgive. Put some ointment on the blister and heal. Trust God to put out the arrows that will likely keep coming. Trust him to fight the battles because they belong to him. (1 Samuel 17:47)
*Original post made for Collaborative Blog “Campfires and Marshmallows” in January 2021
When was the last time you dealt with a power outage? Many times it comes during a storm where lightning strikes a power line, a transformer, or even a specific house. The communication lines are down and neighborhoods go dark. Usually in areas where a quick front or storm came through, work crews are able to get to the site of the problem quickly and repair what wasn’t working. We cheer out loud or silently in relief, when we hear and see things click back on.
Perhaps some of you have been part of an outage that lasted much longer. Maybe a hurricane came through, an earthquake, or even civil unrest. Those situations become more emergent as an interruption to basic survival needs for an extended period of time leaves people stressed, uncertain, and even fearful. Food starts to spoil, clean water runs out, safe areas now feel unprotected, and getting from place to place becomes laborious without fuel or electricity for transportation. That’s not including the storm destruction left behind. It’s why people from out of the area, watch the news in horror as regions under distress are shown in images across the screen. We rush bottles of water, diapers and clothing to rescue workers who are able to get in to the affected area. We give donations for food, medical help and pop-up housing. No power in the midst of destruction is a deep, dark mess.
Without power, in the midst of any part of our life, leaves us wringing our hands as we try to keep calm, uncertain of what to do next. Coal, sun, wind, or other resources are giving us a way to plug in in the physical world, but we also have a spiritual need to plug in to a greater, sustaining power for our soul. We can feel ourselves cracking when we are lacking in this area.
Ephesians 3:14-19 from the NIV reads as below:
“For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.”
I have read that part about “how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ” many times before. I took comfort in that poetic phrase of deep love God has for me. But I missed something. In the phrase right before it, Paul the writer says “I pray you may have power to grasp…”.
When someone tells you “Jesus loves you!”, do you ever think, “well thanks but how does that help me feed my children today”? Knowing in our minds is different than the grasping in the depths of our spirit. “Grasping” means to hold on tightly. In order to hold on tightly to the understanding of this love we need POWER.
If we go back in the beginning verses we see where the power comes from. First, we have the Father and his all his great resources who gives the Spirit to you which strengthens you in your inwardly and then Christ can live in your heart through faith. The Three in One, God the Father, Son and Spirit, HE gives you this ability to power up.
….To walk through the storms with love in your heart.
…To look at the destruction and still find peace.
…To have enough strength to take care of the people around you even when its hard.
Plugging in to this power means searching for connected and grounded outlets.
Find a Bible-believing church with a community of people who care for each other
Read a devotional that you can subscribe to or pick up at a library or book store
Join a weekly Bible study or small group where you can struggle through scripture together and build deeper relationships
Set aside time for focused prayer with God
Power outages happen suddenly. Life gets stormy sometimes. Take comfort that God’s power is your power. When your tower is struck, plug back in. He is always in service.
This is not an anniversary tribute. That’s in my card and just for the man I married. But I felt it still important to send out some encouragement as the two of us reflect on our own marriage a bit more today.
Our marriage has reached the age of adolescence. Before I do my comparisons you should know that I love adolescents. They are funny, bold, willing to play, and starting to really make some headway with abstract life concepts. If I make some funny comments about this development stage it is no way a knock on my teenage friends.
So yes, our marriage just turned 15. I feel honored to be fostering a relationship with the same man for so many years and still celebrating it. When I look back at our toddler years, we were giddy while at the same time screwing up left and right. The mistakes and cries were numerous. To jump a bit into psychology, we were learning to trust each other and then learn this new version of ourselves within marriage. We had to leave our single, self-focused lives behind with the risk of our young hearts saying “will you love me” through all the bumps and bruises.
In the early “marriage-hood” stage we took some bigger risks (mission work, job changes, moving, joining the military) and learned that we could work together in ways we didn’t know before. We found resiliency together in the midst of change and challenge.
In preteen years we started settling into starting a family and laying down roots. These years brought the joy of kids but also the stress of identity change again. We were a new unit, with new roles, and the old ones didn’t stop, they just changed. We also had to come to terms that some of our plans were not working out the way we’d hoped. My husband had to let go of some personal dreams while reaching for new achievements all at the same time. I was overwhelmed often with the busyness of little people.
Enter adolescence. Have we learned some valuable lessons already? Yes. Do we sometimes think we’ve got this life thing down? Yes. Do all our mentors know we are just in the beginning stages still? Yes. We have grown confident in the things we are good at, but we are finding now, more than ever, we have to put on strong armor. The troubles in this world grow every year, and it seems easier and easier to access them. We cannot rest in the past and how we’ve handled things before, because the battle that rages is changing. We have to keep renewing the plan. Just as an adolescent seems like half adult and half toddler at times, so does this marriage. We go through periods of “we got this” to ” why in the world did I just say that?”
We hand the car keys to our 15 year olds to start training at this point. We want them to take on the world with courage. We also know they have much more to experience, and it feels a bit like throwing them to the vultures. Parents also recognize an important fact. Their kids are growing up and must learn independence before they leave the nest. In our marriage, we are growing up. People have given us the keys. The real test is not how successful we complete things but how we handle the hardships. The hit curbs and doors dents will happen and keep happening. We many even experience totaling the car. In the fallout at any stage, how do I keep trucking?
Identity: I remember I am a child of a God who loves and forgives. Because I am loved first in the midst of my sin, I am freed to love others and forgive others.
Openness: I need to talk about my feelings. Shoving them off or burying them only heightens our issues. I don’t want tomake mountains with this man, I want to conquerthem. Be prepared: sometimes expressing these things will FEEL like climbing uphill.
Humility: I often need to lead my heart before the feeling part catches up. I have to choose to love and give up my selfishness. Sometimes I feel my side of things is right, but I also know I was kinda wrong. (Insert sheepish face.) The humble act of recognizing my faults without justification to my husband, has power to change the course of his response. In turn, my feelings eventually start catching up to where they were lead.
Community: I am not alone. I need to be on my knees or laying in bed, or just talking to God in the car. I also need to approach the people in my life who are safe mentors that can help me navigate this step. When I stop burying the issues and am honest, I see there are people rooting for us and praying for us and want to assist us in this journey.
I could certainly write more. 15 years of life (mostly) under the same roof, in different locations, in different cultures, growing a larger family, dealing with heartache and brokenness close to home; gosh, we could all write books couldn’t we?
Alright, time to go. My husband just called and we are sneaking in a lunch date since the rest of our special day is accounted for in the family schedule. See, even adolescent in the sneaking around… =)
What about you?What stage are you in ? What encouraged you as you consider your own relationship journey today?
“Charlie, you can use this book in the Coloring Room,” my middle son said to my youngest about his new Pokémon coloring book he received for his birthday.
“Coloring Room?” I asked.
“Yeah, it’s where all of our desks are.” He responded. Of course I knew what he was talking about. I had just finished rearranging the new open bedroom space (now that they are all sharing one room) so each of the boys had a tidy desk space and storage for their utensils and paper. I just hadn’t considered calling it the “Coloring Room”.
It is not unusual for me after finishing a project to debrief, clean up, rest for a day, and then jump right into another. They are not all the same (I prefer to change it up) but I can’t seem to stop.
I write regularly and have at least one of those projects in the wings. I like to refinish furniture and even dream up new things to build (I currently have at least 3-4 of these in my own home I’d like to do), I rearrange rooms regularly, (I had to fight to sit down and write first before working on one of these), I have digital family memory projects on the list, and usually there is something I’m committing to with the church or school that uses this creativity. As a good friend said after showing her one of these, “You always have a project.”
To be honest, I hadn’t really thought about that before. But it’s become clearer recently as my boys have moved beyond the really young years of childhood, that I am rarely without some undertaking or plan to improve space, function, or perspective.
Perspective. It is defined as a particular attitude toward or way of regarding something. It’s a point of view. In this world where there are lots of points of view it can be extremely overwhelming to navigate. Sometimes I feel like a spy who approaches a bunch of laser lines protecting a treasure piece, ready to alarm if you cross them. Most of the time, I would just rather turn around and go back home. No thank you. That’s too many points of view and I’m not trained enough to get through that.
But there is that treasure. There’s something important enough to get to on the other side. I have to decide that whatever it is, is worth the risk of attempting to work through the lasers.
Perspective though. It hits me again. As I sit in my home and look at my living room I think, “this chair might work better over on this side of the room. The couch can be moved in front of the window and if I shift everything to the left THEN…”
…”the kids have more play space for their toys.”
…”we can better watch movies together.”
…”it’s more open to move between our kitchen and living for having people over.”
Pick the ending, but the reason I move and change things has a greater good at the end of it. I work at the plan until I’ve achieved what I was looking for. I never publish a blog until my point is clear to me. If it’s muddled and uncertain, it stays in the drafts waiting for the right type of lightbulb. I try to start projects when I know I have the time to work and finish them. Some take weeks or months but others can be done in days. And once the vision comes, watch out, I start to get antsy if I don’t get to work on it soon.
I believe that this brainwork of creativity in my own home and life is like training exercises for whatever comes next. Maybe you aren’t doing this in the creative realm, but all of us have some sort of improvement plan going on in our lives. Be it work, family, play, world or self, we want things to be better.
I believe God uses these things to help move and shift our point of view.
As we dream and visualize he teaches us how to to hope.
As we discuss the plans with others he teaches us about compromise and flexibility.
As we prepare to start he teaches us the importance of building foundations.
When we finally jump in to work he teaches us how to enjoy the moment.
When we screw up or hit a hard spot he teaches us patience, humbleness and forgiveness.
When it takes longer than we thought he is teaching us endurance.
Finally, when we are crossing that last laser it can end with success or perhaps, not the way we thought. The alarms are sounding. What do we learn from that? That it was all a waste?
Honestly, as I wrote about in another blog, God doesn’t waste things. So something is learned here either way. If I was successful and it turned out well then I learn gratefulness. I could pat myself on the back and also feel pride, but pride focuses on me and what I was able to do. When we see the reality of God behind all of our days and nights, abilities, gifts of work, home and food, I’m just thankful I got to be part of his working, life-giving plan.It’s not me, it’s him.
And what about when it falls apart? What happens when the paint on bookshelves isn’t sticking like it should? What happens when we don’t raise enough funds? What happens when people are angry at me for the changes I made? What happens when all was working well and then I fell back into my bad habits? Was it not successful?
Maybe not in my nearsighted vision. But even failure has a measure of success. We learn about control or our lack thereof. We find that this new way may need a different set of guidelines. Or maybe it just needs another year of time. We realize this was not a finish line but a readjusted starting line. Failure often teaches us what success cannot. If we surrender the frustration and pride of all that was lost at Jesus feet and then follow with faith in the next steps, it is likely a new perspective will come to play and new work will begin again.
You know what else? All those lasers, are no longer so scary. I have learned how to navigate life in ways I never knew I could. But I had to act. I had to follow. I couldn’t stop after dreaming. I realized that Jesus shifted some of those points of view in the process. He molds me. He molds others. The projects and plans I have are often part of something bigger. I blink back tears because I am part of something I can’t even understand. The whole of this plan, that I cannot see, is beautiful. I know because the the nature of the one who leads me is perfect and beautiful.
Go work your plan, your project, your calling to make things better. But do it with humble thanks and praise. Because the Lord of the Universe is using you for HIS good and perfect plan.
I asked this to my freshly returned husband from being down range. He had been here about a week after his 6 months away and I was already laying the groundwork for my newest home idea.
Oh come on, let’s be honest here. I had plans in my mind months before this, but I needed his stamp of approval and possibly handiwork to make it happen.
What was this plan? My oldest son was having trouble sleeping at night last winter and wanted to join up with one of his brothers. They all have been in their own bedrooms for a couple of years and I had been considering a loft bed for my oldest to give him more space. But now with his night troubles we decided to give him a buddy. And with 3 kids you can’t just leave one out of the mix. The plan was to find or build something for the 3 of them to share a room. And we needed more bed space up high then low, because… boys.
My mom actually came up with the plan. “Have one of the boys sleep in his room for one month and then switch with the other brother the second month. At the end of that month their daddy will be home and you can decide on furniture then. “
We loved it and put it into action. It was another way to countdown and look forward to daddy’s arrival too.
When my husband returned home we’d all spent some quality time together the first week, and then we started talking about some house things. He responded to my bed- making request saying “Sure, just find something on Pinterest you like and show it to me.”
Oh friends, when he says words like that I am like a giddy school girl.
I spent the next few evenings pinning ideas and showing him the outrageous ones just for fun. Before we made anything happen he and I took off for a reuniting vacation to Jamaica (we had planned it while he was away to help us look forward to our time back together). When we returned we started talking about the idea a little more seriously as his time off work was shortening. We decided which room we would use, what the basic idea was and how permanent we would make it.
And then, it began.
This fireworks blog is all about noticing the small things that are actually wonderful great gifts in our lives instead of just looking for the exploding fireworks in our lives. Don’t miss the beauty in the everyday because you’re too caught up in the search for something greater.
But guys, this was fireworks.
Saturday we measured the room (Sam’s room was the chosen location), and made plans to move his current full bed into Charlie’s room. In Charlie’s room we had one of those small kid bunks with stairs that has a pull out bottom bunk. He suggested selling it and using the money to build the new one. I hesitantly said, “If we get it sold in time we can use it,” (not wanting to wait to get started). But I did my part, took pictures and posted it that morning.
As he started sketching out the design for an L loft bed and bottom bunk on graph paper, I started getting inquiries on the small bunk I had just posted. In the chaos of online garage saling, we ended up taking down the bed and loading it in the buyer’s car 3 hours after our post. I had $225 cash in hand ready to pay for our upcoming work. It was crazy.
By the end of our Saturday we had sold our furniture and cleared one of our spaces, he had 2-3 pages to show different perspectives so all his measurements were clear, and we had talked out our ideas or discrepancies of thought. I realized later, this day of prep was incredibly important. It put us on the same page before building began and also made us get rid of things before bringing in the new.
We were hosting my friend’s 2 boys for the weekend so Sunday was an afternoon out hiking with them and building plans waited until Monday. We talked to each of the boys alone (no group decision pressure) to make sure they were ok with sharing a room together and giving up their current separate spaces.
A before picture of Sam’s room before it became “the boys'” room.
Monday, we cleared out the bed in Sam’s room and set it back up in it’s new room which would now be a full time guest room. Thomas bought wood (we chose pine with the intention of painting or staining it), built the twin bed frame and attached it to the wall. Loft one was up.
Tuesday, he built the frame for the second and third twin beds and attached them both to the wall in the room. He also built slats for all the beds by dinner time that night and we were able to put mattresses on top so the boys could check it out from up high.
Wednesday we went together to the hardware store to make decisions on the ladders. After much deliberation on price and size, we chose some galvanized metal piping for the steps and pine wood sides. A full metal pipe ladder is really cool but really expensive. All the connector pieces for each step adds up and we had not one, but two ladders!
He was able to cut the pipe with a special saw blade (metal work smells!) and then drill some holes in the side of the ladder just large enough to hammer them in. Getting those level and drilled correctly was harder than it originally seemed. When the boys came home from school he was finishing the second ladder and they got to help screw it into the bed. Great times for teaching!
On Thursday we had a surprise ice day and school was cancelled. So the boys were around for the last of the work. Thomas was making railings on the top bunk and finishing some of the safety details. Instead of an open railing we closed them in for a cozier top bunk feel. We had already decided I would not paint but just seal the bed (we liked the pine look) and not right away because they boys were chomping at the bit to sleep in it.
By lunch time he was finished with railings and had hung the book ledge (from IKEA) by one of the lofts. I worked on cleaning and staging the room behind closed doors so the boys could have a big reveal.
Earlier in the day I had made the boys go through their stuffed animals and pick their top ten to keep out while the rest would go “on vacation” in storage. This is my attempt to help them realize that after time they will not miss them. We ended up keeping more like 15-16 each, but still put a way a garbage bag full. (Insesrt big emoji eyes here.) Most toys are kept in the basement so just a few special ones are in rooms. I also hadn’t figured out all their clothes storage yet but by the end of the weekend a friend from basketball overheard my need and offered up the exact right size dresser for free from her house. YES!
Our last obstacle before the boys reveal was deciding who would sleep where. We were concerned because we knew all 3 wanted to sleep up high. We discussed drawing names or setting up a schedule, but decided Charlie being the youngest and still just 4 years old, would stay down on the lower to begin. We didn’t tell them where their beds would be, I just put their comforters and pillows on their beds for the reveal and they would discover it as they walked in. To try to amp up the excitement for the bottom bunk I put in some rope lights and Thomas made a headboard/shelf to fill in the extra space between the bed and the wall (I was concerned about Charlie falling through as he still moves a lot in bed). Thomas also made a smaller shelf at the foot of the bed above Charlie’s to fill in that empty space. Gabriel keeps books and stuffed animals there.
Charlie’s headboard shelf on the bottom bunk
Gabriel’s foot of the bed shelf on the top bunk
Then the reveal! The boys were immediately excited to see their beds and no remorse was given from Charlie for being on the bottom. He thanked us for making his bed look like it was in a “noovie feater”. The other two loved their cozy top bunks and quickly loaded up their book ledges with favorites.
Their first night sleeping in their beds!
The bottom bunk has enough space to someday slide another bed underneath if we wanted a trundle, or just storage for their stuff. We have their legos and a lego table surface under there now and stuffed animals in their 31 name bags. The under loft space is like a little library with a kid chair and then 2 of the boys have clothes in dressers and the closet. Gabriel’s clothes stayed in his previous room which will be like a desk/play space. (I think I’ve only used it as time out space so far, ha!)
From drawing plans to building the last part took 6 days. I am so thrilled with how it turned out and all the boys LOVE it. We’ve had to adjust how we do bedtime routine a bit but our boys have learned how to be flexible! Sometimes I just walk in and admire it and Thomas will walk by and grab a part to check its stability and say “yep, it’s solid.”
So there it is. A firework. Sometimes things just happen FAST. You wait and wait for the right job, a pregnancy, adoption, healing or for a certain clearance so you can move forward with a plan. I believe and work wholeheartedly on enjoying the small graces in the times of waiting but I am also incredibly grateful for the times of explosive blessings. This was one of them. The firework was not just the bed itself, but the collaborative work between my husband and I, the chance to use our creative right brains, the teaching that happened with my sons, the joy of bringing our sons together more, the time off work for my husband so he could build, the timely gifts of selling our other bed and receiving a dresser, and the excitement to reveal it all to friends and family.
Don’t overlook those tiny little moments friends, as you wait for whatever it is you wait for, but when the beautiful firework does go off,
It’s been about 4 months since I’ve disciplined myself to sit down and write a culmination of my thoughts. I record small journal entries here and there for myself but I’ve taken no time to put the rest of my thoughts on paper to organize, inspire or just breathe out loud. Consider this a deep exhale.
We survived a 6 month deployment.
I had to write that first because I need you to know where I am coming from in the beginning and not have questions circulating. I was not clear 6 months ago when I facebook posted our “last” family picture on the day he left because I was purposely being vague for security reasons. As many of you have put the pieces together, asked questions or even know our stories quite personally, I want it to be clear now.
He was gone, serving with the Air Force Reserve Medical Squadron and had to leave his civilian job and family behind. He was not in a dangerous location (thank the Lord) but as a deployed service member, he is always in prepared awareness no matter the surroundings. He has served 10 years as a reservist and this was our first deployment. Reserves used to deploy as volunteers, now it seems they are getting into the normal rotation of those being sent. Though he is not full time military, he gives 100% to his weekends of service and even more as he is called upon outside of that timeline. He balances his 2 jobs as best he can and gives so much of himself. Sacrifice is something this guy lives daily.
Now that you have some background let me start in by saying, neither my husband or I can claim ability to do any of this on our own. We try to surrender our wills and lack of control to a Savior we very much love and trust. We do not live this perfectly but we trust a perfect God. What we did for half a year was under the guidance and protection of an amazing God who knew the steps before we did.
As I was saying…We survived a 6 month deployment.
I anonymously received a shirt 2 weeks before Thomas came home that read, “Half of my heart is Deployed”. I have seen this phrase often as I perused Pinterest boards and Etsy sites that had deployment specific quotes, articles and ideas. Now that I had something in my hands that read this phrase, I gave it more thought. My whole heart belongs to the Lord, so does his. We understood this as we first dated and then as we exchanged vows many years ago. But there is this line in the wedding ceremony which says, “What God joined together, let no man separate.”
I have labeled the rest of my writing in stages according to the state of my heart in some sort of “medical terms”. ( I have learned every deployment is different although there seems to be a similar pattern for those that have experienced these time and time again.)
Chest Discomfort
We knew he was being deployed for almost a year and a half in advance. Another military wife told me, that sometimes the waiting for them to leave is the worst part. It was definitely filled with some ups and downs and signs and symptoms that we couldn’t always nail down. I went through some heartaches a full 9 months in advance of him leaving that had me up in arms. I was not myself. As time went on, I was able to talk out loud some of my concerns and let go of some of the weight.
Heart Therapy
3 months out we attended a special Air Force Reserve conference for families that focused on resilience to strengthen us. At the 6 week mark we spent lots of extra fun days with each other and tried to get our checklist made and done. With 2 weeks to go he was able to leave his full time job and be home. So we visited family, threw a going away party and an 8 year old birthday party all in one day, took some time just the two of us and made sure to fill our days with family time.
Heartache and Coma
Last hugs before boarding.
Arriving by 5:00 AM with all the families only to find the first flight was cancelled. Thomas secured flights for each of them a few hours later.
Watching daddy leave on his plane.
The day he left is hard to go back to. It was actually a grace filled day even though it didn’t go exactly as planned. We all were up at 4:00 am to take him to the airport but his flight didn’t end up leaving until almost noon. So we had a long morning of send off. It was exhausting and emotional but I needed it to happen so we could get the process started and moving. The countdown can begin once they actually go.
During this period, I experienced the physical pain of that separation. Many of you have suffered this pain of separation for different reasons and I realize it is not the same. However, I did NOT expect to feel a physical ache the way I did in my heart while I was apart from my other half. Emotional pain, sure. Mental fogginess—um yeah. But there were times, the physical weight of being apart was heavy and painful. For me, it did not usually last long. I had a busy household of boys and activities so the distractions pulled me away from staying in those moments of weightiness. But they would come and go, sometimes like momentary grief. I would just suddenly get choked up and then it would pass. Or I would be talking to him on the phone and grip at my heart because it was too much.
Another thing I experienced right away was anger. Within the first two weeks I felt angry that WE had to do this. “Nobody gets it. There is no couple just like us. Why do we have to go through this? Nobody really understands.” I had these thoughts and I knew they were totally unfair. I knew there were military wives out there who probably understood all this way more than me, but I felt like no one could. In my head, for the moment, we were different and this was all so unnecessary.
Charlie and Daddy Playing on WhatsApp, our main way of communicating.
Most of this pain was in our first 3 months. There were adjustments to our new way of life, school started, my birthday and his birthday passed, our wedding anniversary was in there and I isolated more than expected. It was just easier to do my own thing and not talk about it, so I was not as inclined to be as social in those months. My boys adjusted fabulously though and school for all 3 was a positive involvement. I decided to commit to one activity for each them (a first for our 4 year old) which included Flag Football, a Play, and Soccer. Actually every single one of these activities were new to my boys. These are the things my husband would feel the ache for. “I am missing so many firsts”, he had said once.
The first 3 months was not all terrible. We actually had quite a bit of fun, accomplished a lot, learned that we had great access to daddy through wifi and found out along the way that we were going to be ok.
When it got to be overwhelming I found a couple of things to be helpful. I had 1-2 friends that I specifically reached out to who took the reins and started a meal plan at separate times. I had quite a few military wives to give me the understanding nod, commiserate, encourage or give me a heads up that a milestone was on its way. I had 5-6 neighbors that I leaned on for extra help with our outdoor chores who never hesitated when I had random extras that required immediate help. We have 4 parents between us who either took the boys for a weekend or were able to come and help with house fixes and give me relief in our home a couple times. I received many loving hugs from church family and encouragement from community. And not only did people send my husband letters and packages but things showed up in the mail for us. We were surrounded.
Rehab and Recovery
At the 3 month mark, the 4 of us celebrated by going out for a treat at Panera and talking about some of the things we missed most about daddy and what we were most looking forward to when he came back. This half way point was more momentous than I realized at the time. About a week or 2 later, my ache began to settle. I was in that place of deployment where people say life becomes “routine”. I had mistakenly thought that had already happened because we had been running a schedule since late August that seemed to keep us going. However, the difference now was it all felt more “normal”. I started coming out of my shell again and being willing to socialize more. It didn’t feel odd to sleep alone or lock up the dark house every night. It didn’t feel as strange to be doing things without daddy because it was now the norm. (Not that we still didn’t miss him in these times, just not as unusual).
During my routine and happier time, I noticed there was a dip in my husband’s emotional well-being. He had the pleasure of visiting another base and country for a conference and when he returned to his temporary “home” it seemed to have left him in a disappointed state. This didn’t go away as quickly as he would have like and I found myself working to send encouragement as often as I thought of him.
Heart Attack
When Thanksgiving came, I had some particularly tumultuous days of heartache and we switched roles. He became the cheerleader and I worked through some of my sadness. I looked back after this flip flop and gave thanks to God that he knew just how to balance our hard days. When hard things hit, I am thankful to have this person that is tied to me who leans heavily on the strength of the Lord.
Cardiovascular Fitness
The boys and I made the best of our Christmas celebrations. As the world turned red and green around us, nothing much changed for our favorite guy. He kept saying, “it doesn’t feel like Christmas”. There are no trees in the dessert and very little as far as extra activities and celebrations. On our side of the world the boys and I started a new tradition called “Merry Mondays” where we went out after dinner in the car and drove around looking at Christmas lights. We had a cup of hot chocolate to keep us warm on our drives. We found the brightness around us at this time to be an encouragement rather than a downer and took it all in with joy. We spent Christmas Eve and the next 5 days with family, both his and mine. On Christmas morning it was almost normal with daddy queued up on video on our tv screen so he could watch the boys open all their gifts. We had even sent him a couple to open himself in front of us that morning. It was heartwarming for this mom to see him smile and laugh in real time as each of our sweet boys reacted to their gifts. It was a shared moment miles and miles away, but shared nonetheless.
Christmas morning: Daddy watching from the phone on the table but us seeing him on the big screen.
Christmas Eve and New Years Eve I hosted some family and then neighborhood friends and it was my first time opening my home to a group in a long time. I love to have people over but for a long time it seemed too much to handle. This was refreshing for me and perhaps with his return on the horizon I felt a return of strength.
Heart Palpitations
January came and the countdown was on. Once the boys started back to school and we were looking at a countdown of 20 days or so, that routine feeling went away again. I suddenly started to feel giddy, and the “almost there” feeling felt like it was going to slowly drain me of breath. I stayed busy with a surprise project of painting our master bedroom (it turned out great and was helped along by some wonderful friends) and then cleaning out some of the clutter that had been collecting around our house for years. I was NESTING.
The day he was to return we had texted one another in excitement for his arrival. All 5 of his flights were carried out without complication or delay and we were thrilled. The boys did not know the exact day to plan for his arrival so that in case of delay they would be spared from the heavy disappointment. I surprised them at school 2 hours before his flight would land. “Daddy’s flying home right now,” I told each of them in their classrooms at school. “We’re going now to pick him at the airport.” Each of them had their own quiet and surprised reaction. Sam jumped up and hugged me, Gabriel responded “RIght NOW?” and Charlie came out of his darkened room for nap time and rubbed his eyes while whispering “I did not know that”. We had about an hour to wait in the airport’s small hallway between baggage and security with another military family that we met the day our men left in the summer. I also had 3 friends come to photograph and take videos and welcome him home. His parents came along with the boys and I while his uncle, who has been a mentor to Thomas, met us there. There were even a number of Airmen and women who had come from their unit to cheer them to the finish line. My stomach had been in knots all day and I was excited, nervous and just plain anxious to see that face in real life.
You watch videos of these things and assume that if you were there you’d be a balling mess. Because that’s what you’re doing watching the video. However, in the moment as that person, I was worried I wouldn’t react that way. I was worried the excitement would die down TOO quickly. I was anxious about what it would be like to be in each other’s space again. So we waited and made signs and took some before photos, and then I got the text.
“Landed!” They were here. In just a few minutes he’d be walking down the far end of the hall. We got our signs up and started to line ourselves across the middle. We left a small corridor for other passengers to walk around but we took up most of the space. The two of us wives looked at each other with anxious eyes like “this is it” and I even said at one point, “Where’s the music?” My friend who was preparing to take video caught my humor said, “They edit that in later!” Passengers started walking out and one guy stopped to ask our boys, “Do you see your dad? He’s coming! I saw them on the plane!” Turns out he was a veteran who had served many years. He talked to me a bit and thanked us before going on his way. I could barely pay attention as my eyes wanted to be locked on the oncoming crowd.
And then, there they were. When I saw him I smiled and told the boys, “there he is!” And then a quick surge of emotion brought tears to my eyes seeing this man I loved coming back to us. I moved forward and told the boys, “Go. Go get him!” And after seeing the other kids run to their dad, they let loose and ran around the oncoming crowd and caught their daddy in a giant 3 boy hug. I watched from behind their hug and then with impatience and tears I said, “ok, it’s my turn” and kissed and hugged him without wanting to let go. When we parted there were plenty of people to greet and hug and welcome him and the others home. It was just as joyful to watch him take it all in and be so warmly rewarded in this way. He had waited for this day as long as I had. The excitement and adrenaline was thrilling. We took more pictures, thanked everyone who came, went to pick up bags and headed for a quick bite to eat before returning to our shared home.
Heart Reconstruction
Returning home was another surge of adrenaline for me. Having him not only in my personal space but in our living space was another excitement. He walked around checking out new stuff and getting reacquainted. Our cat welcomed him by being present and acting as if he’d never been gone. There were new fish to greet and our surprise remade master bedroom to see. He took it all in stride and then after a little bit of talking, started to crash. He had crossed 4-5 time zones and was used to being 9 hours ahead. We let him sleep and it turned out the boys had a snow/cold day off school the following 2 days . So we all were able to reintegrate at a nice, calm, slow pace together.
So that shirt. Half of my heart is deployed. I think that’s fair. Whoever gifted it to me, thank you. Thank you to the many that sent my hubby off with words and cards and even gift cards for us. Thank you for my special Deployment survival wine glass. Thank you for the packages of books and candy and socks and cookies and Christmas decorations for my husband. Thank you for the meals. Thank you for taking care of my kids. Thank you for texting me at any hour of the day. Thank you for inviting me for dinner. Thank you for coming over to have a glass of wine and talk. Thank you for the prayers, the extra eyes and hands, and how many of you looked after us your own special way. Thank you God for a chance to reconnect and do life together again.
If I had to sum up how to guard your heart through deployment I don’t think I can say there is ONE big thing but a bunch of small little things that all add up to greatness. It’s how faith and community work. God’s bigness comes out in the ordinary everyday blessings. Put one foot in front of the other, surrender the bad and see the good.
“Today is the best day ever.” My 4 year old walks up to me and says confidently.
Usually when I hear this phrase, you will find our family having a full day of fun with friends, enjoying a family gathering, doing extra special activities, or something that fills the longings of my little men.
This wasn’t one of those days.
It was Monday morning. I was warming up pancakes in the microwave. The boys were in their usual routine of goofing off and checking off their morning responsibilities. Our daddy has been away for 2 months. Charlie and I have a cough. We had a wonderful weekend with friends at their farm (none of us wanted to leave) and on that first day of October, temps were climbing back towards summer days where our bodies are more comfortable in a pool of water, not in classrooms.
But to Charlie, this was the best day ever.
I think his comment caught a couple of us unaware. “It is? Why is that?” My oldest and I wondered out loud.
He started his simple and life giving list. “I love my house. I love my family. I love our cat and my brothers. I get to stay home today with you, right mom?”
This sweet and humble 4 year old boy spoke truth and light into our busy morning. “He gets it,” I say to myself. I make a mental note to write about this. I thank God for this moment. And then…
No socks were harmed in the making of this blog. Trust me. They already existed.
“Wait!” I yelled to my middle son running out the back sliding door. “Put on shoes or take off the socks!” To which he almost always responds by taking off his socks and throwing them inside.
I realize the better choice would probably be for him to put on shoes but he loves to be barefoot so I let it happen.
But not sock-footed. These cushiony, tightly fitting pieces of material are not meant for sidewalks, they are meant for shoes or inside the house on floors. Or if you prefer, for running down a slick hallway and sliding in mid-dance. Sidewalks and rough outdoor grounds pull those threads apart quickly and my wallet could use a vacation from sock-purchasing. As I wash all these boy loads of laundry I pull apart the already cleaned socks (yes I know I should probably do this before a wash– my first clues are all the grass fragments that spill out after I pull them back out) I find holes all the time. I sometimes sit there thinking, should I put them back in the drawer? Is there enough decent fabric to squeak out a few more uses? Am I being wasteful of all the good sock that is left if I pitch it?
(Isn’t it funny that all these and many more thoughts take up space in our heads? Tell me I’m not alone.)
Here’s what struck me with holey socks. My boys can certainly put them on again and again even with holes, but ultimately their function is limited. It’s also really annoying when a toe sticks out or you feel the opening in the bottom of the heal. The openings leave you subject to blisters, dirt, rocks cuts and scrapes and they certainly do not warm nearly as well. Why wear them at all? Even if I’m trying to get as much wear out of them as possible, they end up annoying me more than saving a few dollars is worth. I want socks that do their job!
Haggai was a prophet in the Old Testament who brought the temple and worship of God back after the the Israelites had been in captivity by the Babylonians. They had started the job of rebuilding the temple many years before but were stalled out because of politics and pressures from neighboring nations. Even more accurately, they stalled because they were in a bit of a slump. Coming out of captivity left them in a place where they had settled for less than; maybe because they just didn’t know how to turn life back around. Maybe because they were a bit apathetic. God rightly speaks to them through Haggai about their willingness to build beautiful homes, plant crops, eat, drink, cloth themselves and yet none of it is enough for them. He even says,
“You earn wages, only to put them in a purse with holes in it.”
They had what you could say was a bad bunch of holey socks. They were covering themselves with their basic needs and even frivolous ones, but they were still uncovered. God could have left them that way. It was their choice to live that holey life.
But he didn’t. He came down, spoke his stern yet loving words through a prophet. Words of wisdom. “Give careful thought to your ways.” This is said multiple times in this small book of the Old Testament. They could no longer afford to be on their own doing whatever they pleased. God’s protection and peace is not something he forces on us, but gives freely when we listen and obey. In the time of Haggai, the people did listen. When they turned back towards God, he stirred up the spirit of leaders and the temple was rebuilt and the people returned to worship. Also, through lots of careful instruction and obedience the Lord promises to bless their efforts because they rid their lives many of their inward-focused ways.
If we feel like God has removed peace and productivity in our life, we need to give careful thought to our ways. Perhaps I’ve not really been walking in the truth. Perhaps, there is wisdom I need to seek from the Lord. Let’s not be mistaken to think God as cruel, but rather, what is he withholding because of my apathy? because of my willingness to settle for less? What is he teaching me?
We each need to know, God does what he does out of love. Like a parent to a child, we serve up certain consequences to curb future unwanted behaviors. Not because I love to see my child in pain. No! Exactly the opposite! Because I want them to avoid the pitfalls that would steal their joy and peace. We, like the Israelites, are precious to the Creator and God of the Universe. When we realize all he has done and all he longs to do for us, there is no time like the present to obey wholeheartedly and quickly. I can’t afford not to.
Now, if you’ll pardon me, I think I have some holey socks to throw away.
This month I’ve had a new-found freedom. I have 3 kids in school 3 days a week. 3 days! I haven’t been regularly kid free like that in 8 years! With this freedom suddenly comes new ideas and excitement, but also responsibility. I know that with this precious time I must use it to be productive with the things that are just easier to do on my own. Grocery shop, meal plan, pay bills, workout, paint furniture, meet a friend for coffee, clean and organize every closet in the house–you get the idea. If I do all this in my kid free time, ideally I should be available for my kids when they get home for homework, free time, or activities.
You want to guess how many days I’m THAT productive? Maybe 1 out of 3 a week? Or what about the day I spent curled up reading a book? ( I was trying to get it finished to take back to the library.) Sometimes, I look back at my day and think “I wasted so much time doing this or that, I should have been doing…” fill it for yourself.
There are lots of moments in our life where wastefulness creeps in. And I would say there are a lot of moments where we become very frustrated or guilt-ridden about these. What about the job I took and then didn’t really work out? What about all the classes I took for a career that never happened? What about the house that we just fixed up and then had to sell? What about the day I spent perusing the internet instead of doing the work I should have been doing? These times of waste can bring in a sense of unworthiness and burden. Unworthy for not living up to our own expectations or that of others. Burdensome because we keep struggling to prove our usefulness.
In John 6: 1-15 Jesus performs a miracle with food. 5000 men and then even more women and children were following Jesus around because they had seen him do healings and other miracles. They wanted more. Jesus is setting the stage to teach the disciples and us important spiritual lessons in a very visual way. They have nothing to give everyone but a small boy’s lunch and Jesus prays over the food and has the disciples start to distribute it to the crowds. After they all eat and are full (5000+) he says this in verse 12, “Gather the pieces that are left over. Let nothing be wasted.”
Jesus gave the gift of bread to the people at this gathering. They all received what they needed and had leftovers. Instead of leaving it for the birds, they gathered it and had 12 basketfuls of pieces still!
Friends, when Jesus gives gifts, they do not go to waste. He sees it all and pays attention to the smallest of details. Sometimes my day spent perusing the internet is actually part of a gift. A gift of free time and rest. A gift to get new ideas and reach out to a couple friends. Perhaps the degree I received isn’t being used like I thought, but the hours I spent learning those concepts and ideas strengthened my mind for new lessons.
Satan sneaks in with the temptation to look at what we’ve done and been through as useless trash. But God reminds us that he picks up the broken leftover pieces and can still use them. They are parts of the gifts originally given but now look a little different.
Your work, your life, your efforts are not waste. Jesus was perfect his whole life and then was killed for it. But it was not a waste. Putting all the sin that he took on the cross to death was necessary for eternal life for all of us. He knows the needs. He’s walked the walk of frustrating days. He’s felt the temptations and weights Satan throws on us. But he showed us the grace on the other side. Take hold of it. Hear his words.
“Gather the pieces that are left over. Let nothing be wasted.”
I bet reading that title makes one second guess. Is she going to present something not up to par? A life chased after? A dream deferred?
Close. What I want to share today is the paradox of looking for bigger and better and finding it exists in the small and ordinary.
This summer my 3 boys, husband and mom decided to check out a special festival in our own town that was fairly new. The only thing I knew about it, was they put on a solid fireworks show and that seemed reason enough to go fight a crowd.
We didn’t bring much since we live less than a mile down the road, so we had only what was in the car already for comfort and fun. We hiked from our parking spot on the shoulder of the busy road to see what was offered with our one blanket and some light up rocket copters.
After a quick slushy treat and listening to some music live on stage, we found a spot where there were less people and let the boys run around with the rocket copters. Our blanket was spread out ready for the show at dusk and we just took a moment to breathe as we waited. We took turns watching the boys, doing bathroom runs, and talking on the blanket. When it came time for the show we sat back and enjoyed fireworks for 45 MINUTES. I’ve never been to one for so long. To be honest, it was almost too long. We were close to the action, the sound was pretty deafening and some of the fireworks were repetitive. I have now learned that a 15-20 minute show is probably just right for me.
I say all that to share this. I have spent my life excited to instill joy in others. In my early days, this came from lots of obvious blessings: Good parents, happy home, food on my table, usually nice friends (not without struggle there), solid education, participation in sports and activities, comfortable church home. From the outside, it was easy and carefree.
In the growing and raising of a new family, I’ve learned that joy can seem a little more elusive. We can easily be drowned in our daily adult tasks and chores. We long for independence and then we sink or swim when we gain it. Most of us feel like we are doggy paddling or treading, just trying to keep our head above the water. “This isn’t what I longed for,” we think. “Where’s that excitement now? Why am I feeling overwhelmed and inept?”.
You’re not alone. The struggle -as we often hear from our counterparts- is real. But the struggle is not unworthy. It is the very journey we need to go through in order to learn some VERY important lessons. The one I write about here is GRATEFULNESS.
When we go looking for the big firework show, we are often disappointed. Perhaps that is because we missed the show altogether, it didn’t deliver as we expected, or because after its over, life goes back to normal. It could be the career climb for the perfect job and getting told no again and again, finding Mr. or Ms. Right and realizing they are a flawed human being, or finally getting pregnant and painfully losing the baby along the way.
The show itself might be awesome, but if that is our sole focus, we are missing so many smaller shows along the way.
When I went to watch fireworks, most of my joy from that evening was watching my boys freely run and play. It was from watching my mom jump off the blanket from a spider crawling across. It was from sitting next to my husband and just being together. It was when my 4 year old went running in circles around groups of captivated show watchers. I could go on.
God gives gifts big and small, but I believe there are small ones everywhere, everyday that make our lives more joyful than we can imagine. In this blog, “Less than Fireworks” I will challenge us to see beyond the hardships or frustrations of our daily lives, and turn them around to see blessing upon blessing. Like a treasure hunt for kids, this hunt is for all the things we are too busy to see when life is chaotic. I write these thank you’s down and when I do, my attitude changes. I want less and I thank more. Because I have more than I realized.
This is for you too. Will you join me in this life-changing discipline?
