It’s been about 4 months since I’ve disciplined myself to sit down and write a culmination of my thoughts. I record small journal entries here and there for myself but I’ve taken no time to put the rest of my thoughts on paper to organize, inspire or just breathe out loud. Consider this a deep exhale.
We survived a 6 month deployment.
I had to write that first because I need you to know where I am coming from in the beginning and not have questions circulating. I was not clear 6 months ago when I facebook posted our “last” family picture on the day he left because I was purposely being vague for security reasons. As many of you have put the pieces together, asked questions or even know our stories quite personally, I want it to be clear now.
He was gone, serving with the Air Force Reserve Medical Squadron and had to leave his civilian job and family behind. He was not in a dangerous location (thank the Lord) but as a deployed service member, he is always in prepared awareness no matter the surroundings. He has served 10 years as a reservist and this was our first deployment. Reserves used to deploy as volunteers, now it seems they are getting into the normal rotation of those being sent. Though he is not full time military, he gives 100% to his weekends of service and even more as he is called upon outside of that timeline. He balances his 2 jobs as best he can and gives so much of himself. Sacrifice is something this guy lives daily.
Now that you have some background let me start in by saying, neither my husband or I can claim ability to do any of this on our own. We try to surrender our wills and lack of control to a Savior we very much love and trust. We do not live this perfectly but we trust a perfect God. What we did for half a year was under the guidance and protection of an amazing God who knew the steps before we did.
As I was saying…We survived a 6 month deployment.
I anonymously received a shirt 2 weeks before Thomas came home that read, “Half of my heart is Deployed”. I have seen this phrase often as I perused Pinterest boards and Etsy sites that had deployment specific quotes, articles and ideas. Now that I had something in my hands that read this phrase, I gave it more thought. My whole heart belongs to the Lord, so does his. We understood this as we first dated and then as we exchanged vows many years ago. But there is this line in the wedding ceremony which says, “What God joined together, let no man separate.”
I have labeled the rest of my writing in stages according to the state of my heart in some sort of “medical terms”. ( I have learned every deployment is different although there seems to be a similar pattern for those that have experienced these time and time again.)
Chest Discomfort
We knew he was being deployed for almost a year and a half in advance. Another military wife told me, that sometimes the waiting for them to leave is the worst part. It was definitely filled with some ups and downs and signs and symptoms that we couldn’t always nail down. I went through some heartaches a full 9 months in advance of him leaving that had me up in arms. I was not myself. As time went on, I was able to talk out loud some of my concerns and let go of some of the weight.
Heart Therapy
3 months out we attended a special Air Force Reserve conference for families that focused on resilience to strengthen us. At the 6 week mark we spent lots of extra fun days with each other and tried to get our checklist made and done. With 2 weeks to go he was able to leave his full time job and be home. So we visited family, threw a going away party and an 8 year old birthday party all in one day, took some time just the two of us and made sure to fill our days with family time.
Heartache and Coma
The day he left is hard to go back to. It was actually a grace filled day even though it didn’t go exactly as planned. We all were up at 4:00 am to take him to the airport but his flight didn’t end up leaving until almost noon. So we had a long morning of send off. It was exhausting and emotional but I needed it to happen so we could get the process started and moving. The countdown can begin once they actually go.
During this period, I experienced the physical pain of that separation. Many of you have suffered this pain of separation for different reasons and I realize it is not the same. However, I did NOT expect to feel a physical ache the way I did in my heart while I was apart from my other half. Emotional pain, sure. Mental fogginess—um yeah. But there were times, the physical weight of being apart was heavy and painful. For me, it did not usually last long. I had a busy household of boys and activities so the distractions pulled me away from staying in those moments of weightiness. But they would come and go, sometimes like momentary grief. I would just suddenly get choked up and then it would pass. Or I would be talking to him on the phone and grip at my heart because it was too much.
Another thing I experienced right away was anger. Within the first two weeks I felt angry that WE had to do this. “Nobody gets it. There is no couple just like us. Why do we have to go through this? Nobody really understands.” I had these thoughts and I knew they were totally unfair. I knew there were military wives out there who probably understood all this way more than me, but I felt like no one could. In my head, for the moment, we were different and this was all so unnecessary.
Most of this pain was in our first 3 months. There were adjustments to our new way of life, school started, my birthday and his birthday passed, our wedding anniversary was in there and I isolated more than expected. It was just easier to do my own thing and not talk about it, so I was not as inclined to be as social in those months. My boys adjusted fabulously though and school for all 3 was a positive involvement. I decided to commit to one activity for each them (a first for our 4 year old) which included Flag Football, a Play, and Soccer. Actually every single one of these activities were new to my boys. These are the things my husband would feel the ache for. “I am missing so many firsts”, he had said once.
The first 3 months was not all terrible. We actually had quite a bit of fun, accomplished a lot, learned that we had great access to daddy through wifi and found out along the way that we were going to be ok.
When it got to be overwhelming I found a couple of things to be helpful. I had 1-2 friends that I specifically reached out to who took the reins and started a meal plan at separate times. I had quite a few military wives to give me the understanding nod, commiserate, encourage or give me a heads up that a milestone was on its way. I had 5-6 neighbors that I leaned on for extra help with our outdoor chores who never hesitated when I had random extras that required immediate help. We have 4 parents between us who either took the boys for a weekend or were able to come and help with house fixes and give me relief in our home a couple times. I received many loving hugs from church family and encouragement from community. And not only did people send my husband letters and packages but things showed up in the mail for us. We were surrounded.
Rehab and Recovery
At the 3 month mark, the 4 of us celebrated by going out for a treat at Panera and talking about some of the things we missed most about daddy and what we were most looking forward to when he came back. This half way point was more momentous than I realized at the time. About a week or 2 later, my ache began to settle. I was in that place of deployment where people say life becomes “routine”. I had mistakenly thought that had already happened because we had been running a schedule since late August that seemed to keep us going. However, the difference now was it all felt more “normal”. I started coming out of my shell again and being willing to socialize more. It didn’t feel odd to sleep alone or lock up the dark house every night. It didn’t feel as strange to be doing things without daddy because it was now the norm. (Not that we still didn’t miss him in these times, just not as unusual).
During my routine and happier time, I noticed there was a dip in my husband’s emotional well-being. He had the pleasure of visiting another base and country for a conference and when he returned to his temporary “home” it seemed to have left him in a disappointed state. This didn’t go away as quickly as he would have like and I found myself working to send encouragement as often as I thought of him.
Heart Attack
When Thanksgiving came, I had some particularly tumultuous days of heartache and we switched roles. He became the cheerleader and I worked through some of my sadness. I looked back after this flip flop and gave thanks to God that he knew just how to balance our hard days. When hard things hit, I am thankful to have this person that is tied to me who leans heavily on the strength of the Lord.
Cardiovascular Fitness
The boys and I made the best of our Christmas celebrations. As the world turned red and green around us, nothing much changed for our favorite guy. He kept saying, “it doesn’t feel like Christmas”. There are no trees in the dessert and very little as far as extra activities and celebrations. On our side of the world the boys and I started a new tradition called “Merry Mondays” where we went out after dinner in the car and drove around looking at Christmas lights. We had a cup of hot chocolate to keep us warm on our drives. We found the brightness around us at this time to be an encouragement rather than a downer and took it all in with joy. We spent Christmas Eve and the next 5 days with family, both his and mine. On Christmas morning it was almost normal with daddy queued up on video on our tv screen so he could watch the boys open all their gifts. We had even sent him a couple to open himself in front of us that morning. It was heartwarming for this mom to see him smile and laugh in real time as each of our sweet boys reacted to their gifts. It was a shared moment miles and miles away, but shared nonetheless.
Christmas Eve and New Years Eve I hosted some family and then neighborhood friends and it was my first time opening my home to a group in a long time. I love to have people over but for a long time it seemed too much to handle. This was refreshing for me and perhaps with his return on the horizon I felt a return of strength.
Heart Palpitations
January came and the countdown was on. Once the boys started back to school and we were looking at a countdown of 20 days or so, that routine feeling went away again. I suddenly started to feel giddy, and the “almost there” feeling felt like it was going to slowly drain me of breath. I stayed busy with a surprise project of painting our master bedroom (it turned out great and was helped along by some wonderful friends) and then cleaning out some of the clutter that had been collecting around our house for years. I was NESTING.
The day he was to return we had texted one another in excitement for his arrival. All 5 of his flights were carried out without complication or delay and we were thrilled. The boys did not know the exact day to plan for his arrival so that in case of delay they would be spared from the heavy disappointment. I surprised them at school 2 hours before his flight would land. “Daddy’s flying home right now,” I told each of them in their classrooms at school. “We’re going now to pick him at the airport.” Each of them had their own quiet and surprised reaction. Sam jumped up and hugged me, Gabriel responded “RIght NOW?” and Charlie came out of his darkened room for nap time and rubbed his eyes while whispering “I did not know that”. We had about an hour to wait in the airport’s small hallway between baggage and security with another military family that we met the day our men left in the summer. I also had 3 friends come to photograph and take videos and welcome him home. His parents came along with the boys and I while his uncle, who has been a mentor to Thomas, met us there. There were even a number of Airmen and women who had come from their unit to cheer them to the finish line. My stomach had been in knots all day and I was excited, nervous and just plain anxious to see that face in real life.
You watch videos of these things and assume that if you were there you’d be a balling mess. Because that’s what you’re doing watching the video. However, in the moment as that person, I was worried I wouldn’t react that way. I was worried the excitement would die down TOO quickly. I was anxious about what it would be like to be in each other’s space again. So we waited and made signs and took some before photos, and then I got the text.
“Landed!” They were here. In just a few minutes he’d be walking down the far end of the hall. We got our signs up and started to line ourselves across the middle. We left a small corridor for other passengers to walk around but we took up most of the space. The two of us wives looked at each other with anxious eyes like “this is it” and I even said at one point, “Where’s the music?” My friend who was preparing to take video caught my humor said, “They edit that in later!” Passengers started walking out and one guy stopped to ask our boys, “Do you see your dad? He’s coming! I saw them on the plane!” Turns out he was a veteran who had served many years. He talked to me a bit and thanked us before going on his way. I could barely pay attention as my eyes wanted to be locked on the oncoming crowd.
And then, there they were. When I saw him I smiled and told the boys, “there he is!” And then a quick surge of emotion brought tears to my eyes seeing this man I loved coming back to us. I moved forward and told the boys, “Go. Go get him!” And after seeing the other kids run to their dad, they let loose and ran around the oncoming crowd and caught their daddy in a giant 3 boy hug. I watched from behind their hug and then with impatience and tears I said, “ok, it’s my turn” and kissed and hugged him without wanting to let go. When we parted there were plenty of people to greet and hug and welcome him and the others home. It was just as joyful to watch him take it all in and be so warmly rewarded in this way. He had waited for this day as long as I had. The excitement and adrenaline was thrilling. We took more pictures, thanked everyone who came, went to pick up bags and headed for a quick bite to eat before returning to our shared home.
Heart Reconstruction
Returning home was another surge of adrenaline for me. Having him not only in my personal space but in our living space was another excitement. He walked around checking out new stuff and getting reacquainted. Our cat welcomed him by being present and acting as if he’d never been gone. There were new fish to greet and our surprise remade master bedroom to see. He took it all in stride and then after a little bit of talking, started to crash. He had crossed 4-5 time zones and was used to being 9 hours ahead. We let him sleep and it turned out the boys had a snow/cold day off school the following 2 days . So we all were able to reintegrate at a nice, calm, slow pace together.
So that shirt. Half of my heart is deployed. I think that’s fair. Whoever gifted it to me, thank you. Thank you to the many that sent my hubby off with words and cards and even gift cards for us. Thank you for my special Deployment survival wine glass. Thank you for the packages of books and candy and socks and cookies and Christmas decorations for my husband. Thank you for the meals. Thank you for taking care of my kids. Thank you for texting me at any hour of the day. Thank you for inviting me for dinner. Thank you for coming over to have a glass of wine and talk. Thank you for the prayers, the extra eyes and hands, and how many of you looked after us your own special way. Thank you God for a chance to reconnect and do life together again.
If I had to sum up how to guard your heart through deployment I don’t think I can say there is ONE big thing but a bunch of small little things that all add up to greatness. It’s how faith and community work. God’s bigness comes out in the ordinary everyday blessings. Put one foot in front of the other, surrender the bad and see the good.
Thank you for sharing! It tells a true story. Thank you and thank your husband for your service to God and country!