15 Years.
This is not an anniversary tribute. That’s in my card and just for the man I married. But I felt it still important to send out some encouragement as the two of us reflect on our own marriage a bit more today.
Our marriage has reached the age of adolescence. Before I do my comparisons you should know that I love adolescents. They are funny, bold, willing to play, and starting to really make some headway with abstract life concepts. If I make some funny comments about this development stage it is no way a knock on my teenage friends.
So yes, our marriage just turned 15. I feel honored to be fostering a relationship with the same man for so many years and still celebrating it. When I look back at our toddler years, we were giddy while at the same time screwing up left and right. The mistakes and cries were numerous. To jump a bit into psychology, we were learning to trust each other and then learn this new version of ourselves within marriage. We had to leave our single, self-focused lives behind with the risk of our young hearts saying “will you love me” through all the bumps and bruises.
In the early “marriage-hood” stage we took some bigger risks (mission work, job changes, moving, joining the military) and learned that we could work together in ways we didn’t know before. We found resiliency together in the midst of change and challenge.
In preteen years we started settling into starting a family and laying down roots. These years brought the joy of kids but also the stress of identity change again. We were a new unit, with new roles, and the old ones didn’t stop, they just changed. We also had to come to terms that some of our plans were not working out the way we’d hoped. My husband had to let go of some personal dreams while reaching for new achievements all at the same time. I was overwhelmed often with the busyness of little people.
Enter adolescence. Have we learned some valuable lessons already? Yes. Do we sometimes think we’ve got this life thing down? Yes. Do all our mentors know we are just in the beginning stages still? Yes. We have grown confident in the things we are good at, but we are finding now, more than ever, we have to put on strong armor. The troubles in this world grow every year, and it seems easier and easier to access them. We cannot rest in the past and how we’ve handled things before, because the battle that rages is changing. We have to keep renewing the plan. Just as an adolescent seems like half adult and half toddler at times, so does this marriage. We go through periods of “we got this” to ” why in the world did I just say that?”
We hand the car keys to our 15 year olds to start training at this point. We want them to take on the world with courage. We also know they have much more to experience, and it feels a bit like throwing them to the vultures. Parents also recognize an important fact. Their kids are growing up and must learn independence before they leave the nest. In our marriage, we are growing up. People have given us the keys. The real test is not how successful we complete things but how we handle the hardships. The hit curbs and doors dents will happen and keep happening. We many even experience totaling the car. In the fallout at any stage, how do I keep trucking?
- Identity: I remember I am a child of a God who loves and forgives. Because I am loved first in the midst of my sin, I am freed to love others and forgive others.
- Openness: I need to talk about my feelings. Shoving them off or burying them only heightens our issues. I don’t want to make mountains with this man, I want to conquer them. Be prepared: sometimes expressing these things will FEEL like climbing uphill.
- Humility: I often need to lead my heart before the feeling part catches up. I have to choose to love and give up my selfishness. Sometimes I feel my side of things is right, but I also know I was kinda wrong. (Insert sheepish face.) The humble act of recognizing my faults without justification to my husband, has power to change the course of his response. In turn, my feelings eventually start catching up to where they were lead.
- Community: I am not alone. I need to be on my knees or laying in bed, or just talking to God in the car. I also need to approach the people in my life who are safe mentors that can help me navigate this step. When I stop burying the issues and am honest, I see there are people rooting for us and praying for us and want to assist us in this journey.
I could certainly write more. 15 years of life (mostly) under the same roof, in different locations, in different cultures, growing a larger family, dealing with heartache and brokenness close to home; gosh, we could all write books couldn’t we?
Alright, time to go. My husband just called and we are sneaking in a lunch date since the rest of our special day is accounted for in the family schedule. See, even adolescent in the sneaking around… =)
What about you? What stage are you in ? What encouraged you as you consider your own relationship journey today?